Warning! Long post...all text!
For those of you that know me well, you know that I like things under control. I like a safe, comfortable, predictable life. God has taken my ideas about what my life should look like and tossed them out the window.
The first disruption to my life was finding out at the end of June that I am pregnant with our fourth child. My first response was complete shock, wondering how this happened. We have always gotten pregnant exactly when we planned, and we have never had an unplanned pregnancy. My second response was to trust God. That, however, did not last long. It turned to despair once the pregnancy sickness began. I have never been so sick with a pregnancy as I have been this time. The nausea, etc. was relentless, and all of a sudden I couldn't do for myself or my family what I am accustomed to doing. I was totally dependent on Jeff and the kids to care for me. And they rose to the occasion beautifully, but I hated losing my independence. Even Reid would get a bowl and pretend to throw up in it, and then pass it to Sydney & Ethan to see if they needed it too. But in the midst of all that, I was mad at myself for getting pregnant, cold toward God for allowing this to happen now when we are on the heels of opening our physical therapy practice and there are things I must do to help prepare for this venture, and generally disturbed and depressed by the whole change in my life.
The second disruption was several weeks ago when I was talking with Jeff about being unsure if homeschooling was the best option for Ethan right now, given the time I need to put into the business, a new baby coming in Feb, and Ethan's particular personality. Like me, he thrives on being around people, and when we get "cabin fever" we get pretty down and feel depleted. By nature, he and I are extroverts, feeling most energized while being around people. With a preschooler that naps in the afternoon, living further out from town, and needing to do school in the morning, it just takes a whole lot of extra effort, planning, and intentionality to get out. I've always had that tension of feeling like I need to be at home schooling in the morning, and at home for Reid's nap in the afternoon. As we talked, we decided to pursue Redeemer School (our church school) as a potential option because it is half day for K-2 and a Charlotte Mason school.
The truth is, I've always wanted to send my kids to Redeemer School. I love the Charlotte Mason method, and it resonates deeply within Jeff's and my souls. The thought of sending them should have excited me, and to a degree it did, but I also felt like such a loser, a total failure for possibly giving up homeschooling. I never said I wanted to home school forever, but I still felt pretty worthless about looking to put them in school.
Ethan had his kindergarten assessment on Aug 2, which went fine, and we had our parent interview the same day. On Thursday of that week, Jeff & I went for my first doctor appointment, where we got to hear the baby's heartbeat. I still wasn't excited about the pregnancy. Friday my mom came in to help with the kids for the weekend so Jeff and I could work. We were in serious need of help, and the kids had a blast with their Grandma. Saturday I made the mistake of looking at a lovely woman's blog about her love for living a quiet life at home, homeschooling, and serving her family. Oh, how the guilt piled on...
And on Sunday I had my third disruption. It was a sermon from a guest preacher on interruptions (Luke 8:40-56 about Jairus' dying daughter, the bleeding woman who interrupted Jesus on His way to heal her, the time He took to listen to her whole story, Jairus' daughter dying, and Jesus bringing her back to life). I cried through the last half of the sermon as I realized that the bleeding woman wasn't fully healed until she realized she was known and loved, that she was made to be seen and not hidden. And that Jairus learns he is made to depend on Jesus, that his weakness was not a failure, but a moment for God's movement. My strategies (control, doing the "right" thing) have no capacity to do for me what I think they will. But it all hit home when Howie said that my greatest offense is to think so low of the love of God that I would believe His favorable response depends on me. God treats me as His Son deserves, not as how I deserve. What Jesus says about me is true, not what I say about myself.
My situation dependent perspective of myself comes from emptiness- I need to do the right thing to feel full and worthy. But in reality, the Trinity is full, and that fullness overflows to me. God says that He delights in me, He rejoices over me with singing, I am His beloved. His love makes me beautiful, lovely, worthy, and valuable.
Monday was Sydney's 2nd grade assessment and also the day I found out we received the maximum amount of financial assistance possible for both the kids to go to Redeemer School. Wow! It's a really humbling feeling to know that someone else is paying a big chunk of my kids' tuition...real people in my community who generously gave because they want others to be able to go to this school. It's a whole lot different than being excited about a tax refund. After that, I had to go have an ultrasound (because I'll be 35 before the baby is born). And I was really happy to see my baby on the screen moving around. It's the first time I have felt happiness over this pregnancy.
I'm still having a hard time letting go of Sydney as the first day of school is fast approaching. But she is so excited about going to Redeemer School!!! As I was putting away her math book and handwriting yesterday I told her I would really miss home schooling her, and what she said gave me great comfort. "Mommy, I think it will be like art camp was. I'll be having so much fun that I will forget to miss you. When you leave me with a babysitter and go out with Daddy, aren't you having so much fun that you forget to miss me? And think of all the fun you will have with Reid!" And she's right...it's just so hard to say goodbye to your first when you've been with her every day for 7 years, even if it is just half day school.
Our family went to our church's prayer meeting early this morning to receive prayer for the new business (I will post more about this later) and the other upcoming changes- me working part time, the pregnancy, and school for the kids. It was so rich and sweet to have our brothers and sisters surround us and hold us up before the throne of grace. Sydney said, "Mommy, people have been so generous to us lately...Redeemer School giving us money for Ethan and me to go there and the church praying for us...how can we ever thank them?" Our weakness is not a failure, but a moment for God's movement.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
-Psalm 23:6
